Ch.34.5 of Memoirs of a Geisha (My favorite piece of work in English Class)

Five years after the chairman became my danna, I met Mr. Tanaka again. It has been 30 years since the last time we saw each other. We didn’t recognize each other of course. It was when some one addressed him “Tanaka-san” that I turned and realized his presence. I could no longer recognize his face, but I recognized his odor. It’s the odor that he gained from handling fish. Although he no longer runs his fish company, the odor was still remains, but it is still familiar and unique. Mr. Tanaka screamed when I went to him, but only his float did not allow him for the voice.

He was quite old, 74 years old, 16 years older than the Chairman. His lip is already concave into his mouth. I can see a few wrinkles near that area. And I assumed that’s where he lost his teeth. Wrinkles near Mr. Tanaka’s eyes were also obvious; they extend their lengths when he smiled.

Mr. Tanaka brought me to his table and invited to have tea with him. Once we started our conversation, he asked me about my life and my other half. He smiled peacefully when I told him I had once become a geisha, and have found a perfect danna myself. He congratulated vehemently when I told him about the Chairman and the things we have gone through. Sometime, I think Mr. Tanaka uses my fortunes in life to relieve his guilt by selling me. Later I asked him about his life and his company. But I could only look at his wrinkles and that I disregarded his talking. I cannot deny how many years have passed, and how old I was already-37 year old. My memories in Yoroido had mostly faded, but I still remembered the day Mr. Tanaka sold me and my sister, Satsu to Gion. I started being determined again; I wanted to ask him for the reason why he did that to us. I abruptly cut Mr. Tanaka’s talking and said “Mr. Tanaka, I…I… have an abrupt question to ask you, I ask your forgiveness me if I will be rude.” I took a deep breath myself, and was finally managed to say my question. But Mr. Tanaka was seeing through me, and he gave me my answer, “I did not sell you, Chiyo, you father did. I’m really sorry to tell you this, but your father begged me. Your father...”, not being able to endure what I learned: my father “begged” him to sell me, I cut Mr. Tanaka’s line, I heard myself say “Why did he do that me?” I was feeling the vehemence going up to my face and the conflicts were puzzling in my brain. Although I tried to get my emotion under control like a geisha would, I broke the silence as I said “why did my father hate me so much? I couldn’t understand…” At this point, Mr. Tanaka noticed my emotion and said “Chiyo, please don’t blame your father. You’ll never understand the pain he was suffering. He suffered the piercing through his heart every time he does the changes for you mother. He could not bear seeing her to grow skinnier day by day. He blamed himself so hard for not being able to rescue her.” I put down my face now, because I admit that I have never thought of my father’s feelings. “Chiyo, your father could not endure seeing your mother die. He could not let her go. And he grieved selling you and Satsu. He wanted to bring the two of you back, but he was dying himself too.” At this point, my face grew hotter, the voice “but he was dying himself too” was echoed in my mind and the burden in my heart seemed to aggravate. I thought of the face of my father: wide, old, and weary. I remembered the days my father came back from fishing, he was always so tire. I assumed that to be some reason to his sickness. Suddenly Mr. Tanaka raises his voice, “Chiyo, hatred should not occupy your heart. Forgive those who are gone.”

The word “Forgive” was circulating in my mind, fighting against my principle: to never forgive the one who sold me. I could no more bear the conflict inside my mind. Then I rudely excused myself. After I left Mr. Tanaka, I walked all the way down to Shijo Avenue, where Nobu chastened me for taking the general as my danna. I thought of Nobu for a while. I wonder how he is doing right now and also, if he has forgiven me yet. I suddenly found it ridiculous how I couldn’t forgive my father for selling me, and at the same time, I am longing for someone else’s forgiveness. Suddenly I wanted to go back to Yoroido, I wanted see our old tipsy house and the sea next to it. I did not know why, but I only thought Yoroido’s peace and the joy I had there when I was a child.