Illusion of Happiness (One of my Creative Blog Assignments)

Here I am at 5:27 a.m., just got up to fix my photo frame
The air is thick in my house, so I dress up and get
on the way to Forest streetscape
I drink some coffee which can keep me awake
and keep looking behind to have awareness and to bring
consciousness
In. The street look for the vulnerable, or me, in this
gloomy night. It’s
still scarily dark. The street light shines on me. I walk
through it, them, as
my coffee is sipped on with a pair of cold hands, now
5 years almost ago, and the man judging me
asked unreasonable questions, & telling.
Who would have thought that I’d be here, nothing
interesting, nothing meaningful, everything
is boring to an extreme, & my life is just a dream.
Up in the heaven, there might be happiness waiting for me,
now
more than ever before?
Not that Mr. Charitable, smiling at me in his winter coat
eyes penetrating the sadness I’ve hidden from my father
& all others at the bottom of my heart, sealed in me. Not that
neighbor girl, eighteen, who was
going to have to go, careening into the ruthless future so,
To fool, & to get crushed at the moment she cannot imagine
so to go. Not that poor father who from very first meeting
I would never & never forsake or let him fall
into the deepest and evilest abyss & so demanded
To keep alive & who will never leave me, not for money, not
happiness
nor even for the purpose of life, which is
Only our human lot & means vacancy. No, not a chance.
There’s a song “Wonders of Heaven”, but no, I won’t
do that
I am pessimistic, When will I die? I will never die, I will live
To be older than you, & I will never go away, & you will never
escape from me
who am always & only a walking dead, despite this wonders,
Spirit
Who lives only to occupy the space of existence.
I’m only a blind person, & I am to blind others as requested,
& I didn’t mean to harm you
you asked for it
I came into your life to enlighten your thinking & I did & you
are not satisfied
But this is an end.
Tired & disturbed, this is my fate, nevertheless
I walk away from the light, walk into the dark
The world’s darkest spot where no one can find.